Well, I’d call this a breakthrough

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’d say that I handled this season pretty well this year.  Most holiday seasons are ones filled with dread, for me.  Besides the general stuff (whiny, bratty children or adults that don’t behave any older than their shoe size), this time of year has typically kept me hostage in a terrible past.  A past until, quite recently, I didn’t even fully understand.

I’ll throw it out there because I’m stronger now, and I know I can handle it.

I’ve talked about how poor my family was. This wasn’t just a holiday thing, we were poor all the time.  But that is something I can come to accept, if only out of sheer ignorance.  The real shitter about the holidays, for me, was that a time that should be filled with magic and hope was a time that stole my youth and innocence.

Shortly after I was raped (by a family “friend”) at the ridiculously young age of six, my step-father began molesting me.  This happened around Christmas.  I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I had repressed a lot of those explicit memories.  I knew it happened, but didn’t really remember when it started.

Everything came back to me, last year, and it wasn’t pretty.

But, it wasn’t all for naught.

This year, I was more mellow.  I wasn’t rushing out to decorate or have all the big parties.  But I didn’t hate everything and everyone, including myself.  I didn’t have any Christmas music freakouts.  Actually, to the contrary, I was actually able to laugh at the songs (rather than curse them), with BFF #1.  There were no tirades about the terrible behavior of children and their even worse parental units.  I even managed to get my Christmas tree up and decorated without fighting with anyone in my house.

The shooting in Newtown, CT threatened to derail me.  And for good reason.  I began to write a whole post about it, but couldn’t.  It was too painful to try to make reason from the tragedy.  I know many people who felt the same.  But I said, and say, my prayers and move on.  Because it’s all I can do.

This morning, as I write this, I’m sitting in my favorite chair, with snow lightly falling outside, and a cup of coffee next to me.  The hubs and the kiddo are still fast asleep.  I’m enjoying the peace.  And, if I remember all the commercials and movies, this is part of Christmas, right?  I’ll get the glory of watching them open their presents and then we’ll all settle into the hum of enjoying them.  But for now…. peace.

And, my God!  It feels good.

Happy Christmas, readers.  I hope this day brings you the peace that I’m overwhelmed with, right now.

2 responses to “Well, I’d call this a breakthrough

  1. Fantastic!
    As someone of a different faith, I always thought the christmas season was about hope, peace and harmony, and it sounds like you’ve got that in spades!

    I sincerely couldn’t be happier to hear that you are able to sit and enjoy the season. While the memories are hard to read, the fact that you are able to carry them, but not let them control you also makes me damn proud of you.

    Rock on, Flame, have a great christmas, and I hope the new year brings everything you hope for!

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