Dear family and friends,
First and foremost, I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve let you down in many, many ways. And there is nothing to say, except, “I’m sorry.”
I can honestly say that I don’t have a handle on what’s happening with me, lately. At one point in the not-so-distant past, I was lively and energetic. That girl is…. well, she’s gone now. And I don’t know where she went.
I feel like I can never get enough sleep. Never. I’m exhausted. During the week, I force myself to get out of bed and carry on with my day. I get up at 5:30 am, drive to work, work all day (most of the time without a lunch break), drive home and finally take my shoes off at 6:00 pm-ish. I. Am. Exhausted. I make dinner (which, admittedly, isn’t all that exciting these days), and I collapse on the couch, too exhausted to do anything else. By the weekend, I lie around the house, unmotivated to do anything but sleep.
And then, there’s the pain. I don’t know that you would ever understand, unless you have been where I am right now. Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe it. Imagine, if you can, the last time you were really sick. Then, imagine the last time you were really sore. Like… for me? It’s like the time I had walking pneumonia, combined with feeling like I had just done a half-marathon. I dread waking up, because moving in the morning is like trying to break out of an invisible cast. I’m stiff. It hurts. And I don’t know if it’s just a morning thing, or if I’ll be suffering all day. Once I get going, random things will bother me. My hips will hurt. Or my toes will burn. Or my back will ache. Or I’ll be itchy. Or my legs will cramp. Or I’ll have a headache.
Good God… the headaches. They’re not to be underestimated. It could be a dull, constant headache. Or Satan can be gripping my brain with his red-hot, pokey fingers. They can last a few hours, or for days.
I get tired of taking medications. Side effects from them mean that I have to take other things to try to feel better. For example, the Tramadol makes me itchy. So I have to take Bendryl to alleviate the itchiness. But Benedryl makes me sleepy. So I have to take an energy pill. The energy pill makes the pain worse (not sure why). So I have to take Tramadol. And so it begins, again.
……I carry guilt with me. All the time. I feel guilty because I am tired. I feel guilty because I am lazy. I feel guilty because I am crabby. I feel guilty because I am distant. I feel guilty because I’m weak. I feel guilty because I’m losing the battle.
I don’t have the answer. But it isn’t for lack of asking the question. Please, don’t stop loving me. Don’t leave. Don’t close your ears and your heart. I’m trying.
Maybe, someday, the girl that you used to know will come back. Until then, just keep loving the girl that I am, now. Hug me. Tell me that I’ll be okay. Hold my hand. Talk with me. Let me vent. Help me forgive myself.
With unparalleled love,