Coming out of the dark

Ever have one of t hose days that never seems to end?  From the moment you wake up to the moment that you go to bed, it seems like an uphill climb in the very conditions.  The last two months have been one of those days.  It has been a struggle, constantly.  Every single day, I was fighting my instinct to hide in the closet, literally. 

I’ve been off the Lyrica for about 10 days, now.  And yes, I’m having more fibro pain.  Which sucks.  Nights and mornings are especially tough.  But, on the flip side, I’m sleeping better.  Making it through most nights now.  But what’s more, my mood is beginning to lift.  I’m not nearly as short-tempered or anxious or dark.  The darkness was threatening to consume me.  I’ve been through some rough patches, but this last bout with Depression just about did me in. 

But, I reminded myself that the sun will rise tomorrow.  And I persevered.  For my kid.  For my husband.  For my family and friends.  And sometimes, that’s all you have.  That’s okay.  In the event that you’re ever feeling the way I was, ready to end it all, remember that there is someone who depends on you.  Your child, a spouse, a friend…. I know that the reasonable thing to say is to “live for yourself”.  But when “you” don’t feel like enough, live for someone else.

Get out – force yourself to.  Focus on the little things, and I’m not talking about a butterfly or a cup of coffee…. well, I suppose I am.  But not in the way you think.  When you’re in the hole, and you can’t see your way out of it, focus on itty-bitty things.  The feel of the warmth from the coffee in your hand.  The crispness of the autumn breeze in the morning.  The feel of the socks on your feet.  I’m not saying be *grateful* for them.  I mean… it doesn’t hurt.  Instead, what I’m suggesting is that you just focus on the things outside of you.  When you are in the dark place, your own thoughts become very loud and very persuasive.  If you bypass your own internal dialogue, maybe you can work past the pain.

The veil is lifting.  It’s slow.  I have moments when I’m totally overwhelmed again.  And other moments when I’m feeling empowered.  It’s a steady movement.  I’m coming out of the dark.  I’ll get there.  Just gotta keep moving.

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5 responses to “Coming out of the dark

    • Exacerbated might be the gold-star word of the day. 😀
      Yes, I do think that Lyrica made things worse. Not sure why. But after doing some research, I found that it is a side effect. It’s so weird though – hard to know if it was the fibro, the Lyrica, depression in general, lack of sleep… who knows? Maybe a combination of all of them. All I know is that it is a heaviness that could literally suck the life from someone if they couldn’t get out. I am glad that I am. 🙂

  1. I’ve been there…my depression was long before my chronic pain when my best friend died in a tragic car accident at 21. It will actually be the 10 yr anniversary of his death this month. I thought it was interesting you said coming out of the dark because I called it awaiting daylight. It’s like waiting for the clouds to clear and the sun to shine again. I’m glad you’re slowly getting there!

  2. It’s great that the depression is lifting. As far as the pain, have you tried massage therapy? My massage therapist (who specializes in rehabilitation massage) has patients with fibromyalgia and it really helps them a lot. Hope things continue to lift for you.

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