I’m sorry: An open letter to my loved ones

Dear family and friends,

First and foremost, I’m sorry.  I feel like I’ve let you down in many, many ways.  And there is nothing to say, except, “I’m sorry.”

I can honestly say that I don’t have a handle on what’s happening with me, lately.  At one point in the not-so-distant past, I was lively and energetic.  That girl is…. well, she’s gone now.  And I don’t know where she went.

I feel like I can never get enough sleep.  Never.  I’m exhausted.  During the week, I force myself to get out of bed and carry on with my day.  I get up at 5:30 am, drive to work, work all day (most of the time without a lunch break), drive home and finally take my shoes off at 6:00 pm-ish. I. Am. Exhausted.  I make dinner (which, admittedly, isn’t all that exciting these days), and I collapse on the couch, too exhausted to do anything else.  By the weekend, I lie around the house, unmotivated to do anything but sleep.

And then, there’s the pain.  I don’t know that you would ever understand, unless you have been where I am right now.  Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Imagine, if you can, the last time you were really sick.  Then, imagine the last time you were really sore.  Like… for me?  It’s like the time I had walking pneumonia, combined with feeling like I had just done a half-marathon.  I dread waking up, because moving in the morning is like trying to break out of an invisible cast.  I’m stiff.  It hurts.  And I don’t know if it’s just a morning thing, or if I’ll be suffering all day.  Once I get going, random things will bother me.  My hips will hurt.  Or my toes will burn.  Or my back will ache.  Or I’ll be itchy.  Or my legs will cramp.  Or I’ll have a headache.

Good God… the headaches.  They’re not to be underestimated.  It could be a dull, constant headache.  Or Satan can be gripping my brain with his red-hot, pokey fingers.  They can last a few hours, or for days.

I get tired of taking medications.  Side effects from them mean that I have to take other things to try to feel better.  For example, the Tramadol makes me itchy.  So I have to take Bendryl to alleviate the itchiness.  But Benedryl makes me sleepy.  So I have to take an energy pill.  The energy pill makes the pain worse (not sure why).  So I have to take Tramadol.  And so it begins, again.

……I carry guilt with me.  All the time.  I feel guilty because I am tired.  I feel guilty because I am lazy.  I feel guilty because I am crabby.  I feel guilty because I am distant.  I feel guilty because I’m weak.  I feel guilty because I’m losing the battle.

I don’t have the answer.  But it isn’t for lack of asking the question.  Please, don’t stop loving me.  Don’t leave.  Don’t close your ears and your heart.  I’m trying.

Maybe, someday, the girl that you used to know will come back.  Until then, just keep loving the girl that I am, now. Hug me.  Tell me that I’ll be okay.  Hold my hand.  Talk with me.  Let me vent.  Help me forgive myself.

With unparalleled love,

me

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Real resolutions… I think

Rather than go into a long diatribe about making resolutions and why that is good, I’d rather spend some time going through my resolutions for 2013, and processing them.  More because it’ll help me, than because you want to know.  But maybe you’ll find it interesting, as well.  Then it’s a win for everyone!

  1. Get control of the chronic pain and fibro flares I’ve been experiencing.  The way I’ll do this is through diet and activity changes.  I’ll need to cut way back on carbs (which sucks because I am a carb-a-holic).  I will also need to cut back on processed sugar.  In the end, I think I’ll be fine with these changes.  But getting started will take some pretty serious dedication.  The reality is that this has sucked the life out of my life, as of late.  And I want my life back.
  2. Write one chapter a month of my book.  I’ve got 2 chapters done, now.  But I’d rather make this a focus than let it languish away in the depths of “someday….”
  3. Get my house decorated so it’s more like the castle I want to come home to.  When we first moved in, there was a lot of things we were doing to make the house our home.  We stopped, because we were happy with it.  But now I’m ready to do more. 🙂
  4. Manage my finances better.  This one’s a biggie.  I am one of the very worst people I know with financial management.  I’ve been in a hole for a little while, in terms of finances.  Borrowing or paying back or overdrafting or…..gah!  It’s maddening.  So this year, I will take control.
  5. Read!  Read more.  I love reading.  Why am I not doing it as much?  The hubs got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas and, so far, I’ve used it more for Pinterest than for reading.  So that will change. (By the way, I’m @theflameinside if you’re pinning and want to follow me!)

That’s about it.  How about you guys?  Do you do the resolution thing?  Why, or why not?  And if you have made some, care to share?